So an eye surgeon walks into a bar...stop me if you've heard this one before

 Dating is hard. Have you been out there lately? It sucks. Especially if you’re an extremely successful eye surgeon who has thousands of Facebook followers despite the fact that you don’t use Facebook.  That magic you do that has people following you through absolutely no personal effort does not help you find a size 2 date, folks.

And so you’re going to have to go to some networking events. Grab some business cards and start email marketing. Like this guy:

dear fellow networking event attendees,

i was very late to last night’s event, so i only got to meet a small fraction of you guys (i tried to hurry, but you really can’t hurry-up surgery!)

sorry about this mass email, but it’s more efficient on my end. i’m also kind of a “semi-professional networker” with 10,000 people in my gmail contacts list, 1,000 friends on my various FB accts (even though i don’t use FB myself), 1,000 followers on Twitter, and google will “auto populate” my name, so perhaps some of you “beginning” networkers will learn some tips of how i’m always trying to create a “win-win” (this skill set was stressed a lot when i got my MBA from NYU)

my situation is somewhat unusual in that i am the #1 surgeon of my type in the northeastern US by volume, and have performed nearly 20,000 procedures over the last 15 years, so i really don’t need additional income (which is the unusual part). i’m actually so successful that most of the reason i attend networking events these days is for personal networking, not business networking–i’m trying to meet the right woman to fall in love with, marry, and start a family with (i’m single, never married, and really want kids before i’m old!)

i’ve hired some professional matchmakers over the years, with OK results (eg i’ve dated 2 of the matches for 6 months each, which is pretty good). the services vary enormously in quality and price (with an imperfect correlation). for example, doing the math (ie taking their fee and dividing by the number of introductions they made), i’ve paid between $100 and $1,000 per introduction (which is worth it to me, even on the high end, since i have an unusual time/$ preference, ie have more $ than time)

clearly, i’m still trying to meet the right woman the “normal way” like out at events, or through dating websites (which is, shall i say, “normal-ish”). however, i do strongly feel that having as many sources as possible only increases the potential candidate pool, and increases my chances of meeting the right person (hence my offer to you)

so if you (or any of your friends) like playing matchmaker, please read my preferences/parameters below and try to help me out.

please send me the parameters and picture of the potential setup, so i can say if i’m interested, before you start introducing us (otherwise it’s kind of awkward then saying that i’m not interested). if interested, i’m offering the following “thank-you gifts” for your kind help:

  • first date set up: $100 cash
  • second date (with either same person, indicating a better match, or a 2nd person): +$200 or free latisse worth $300
  • third date (again can be w same person): + $300 or free botox worth $500
  • 4th date (w same or diff person): + $400 or free Juvederm injections worth $900
  • 5th date (same conditions): + 500 cash or 1 eye free LASEK worth $2000:)

this is what i am in general looking for.

These are my Hard (Objective) Dating Parameters which are NOT Flexible:
(this means I am only willing to pay for introductions if ALL these criteria are met)
(if you want to set me up w someone missing 1 of these criteria, I may accept, but will not pay for that)

  1.   Age 27-35 (ideally 28-34)
  2.  No kids, wants kids in the next 1-2 years
  3. College graduate, doesn’t have to be a great school, but needs to have finished the     degree
  4. Skinny (i.e. dress size 0-2, if you don’t know what that means (many men don’t) it means very skinny)
  5. Caucasian (not black, not Hispanic, not Asian)
  6. Healthy lifestyle (defined as no smoking, no drugs, good diet, no hard drinking,

 

These are things that I would ideally prefer, but don’t require (i.e. I am flexible about these criteria)

  1. Christian (any denomination is fine, I’m Catholic but not very religious, prefer any religion over none, must be religiously tolerant, will not be compatible with someone who thinks everyone else is damned)
  2. Graduate degree or very good undergraduate school (more compatible since I went to 3 Ivy League schools i.e. Dartmouth, Columbia & Harvard, as well as Emory and my MBA from NYU)
  3. Spent significant time in another country other than the US (either born somewhere else or lived out of the US for a total of a 6 months or more, not on a vacation, doing something like school or work)
  4. Spent significant time (>1 yr) living in a city of 1 million or more (so can live in NYC if moves here)
  5. Likes animals and pets, particularly dogs (because I plan to have a dog for the rest of my life)

 

These are the Soft (Objective) Criteria I require, but are difficult to match (because they’re qualitative)

  1. Attractive (like an 8 out of the 1-10 scale, 9-10 is actually bad as it co mes with a lot of downside)
  2. Nice, normal, sweet, kind, altruistic, selfless, not entitled, bitchy, materialistic, selfish, self-centered
  3. Stylish, fashionable, polished, confident but not vain, superficial, overly concerned about looks
  4. Hard-working, real career, full-time job (unless in graduate school), achievement-oriented
  5. Highly functional Type B (not a Type A because too similar, not a Type B who can’t get stuff done)
  6. Easy-going, sense of humor, doesn’t take life or things too seriously, gets along well with everyone
  7. Good person, follows the Golden Rule, nice and kind to others, never does bad things because of values
  8. Good family, good role models, ideally good nuclear family so can emulate good patterns of behavior

 

Who said all the good ones are taken?

Now if think of the “networking” activities of our bachelor (let’s call him DuPont Schbag…his friends call him “Du”) as marketing, you can see where he went all wrong. One of the “things I always say” ™ is that your marketing isn’t about you, it’s about what you can do for your target audience. What Du should be offering is a hot (but not too hot), successful, humanitarian waif transporting service for those people that have way too many hot (but not too hot), successful, humanitarian waifs hanging around.

Read the full account of the Du Schbag engagement (with lots of commentary) here: MEMARKETING AND THE WORST “IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU” E-MAIL YOU WILL EVER READ [Mark Ensign]